Re-Entry Time: How it Really Feels to be "Back"

I knew that I would not sleep last night hardly at all and I was right. My body felt tired enough around midnight but my mind was clicking away, worrying a bit about an inservice I was scheduled to give this morning on my first day back at work in three months. I also had no idea what it would feel like to be "back" among everyone I work with, having been out of the loop on the usual inside jokes that you tend to miss out on when you cannot walk without crutches.

I made the mistake of watching the season finale of "Dexter", you know the show with the serial killer who has a "code", meaning he "only" kills people who have it coming! Well, spoiler alert if you are a fan and haven't seen the season 4 finale: Dexter's long suffering, naive but very devoted wife, Rita, ends up murdered in the last 60 seconds of the episode. Dexter has just put down yet another serial killer (played eerily by John Lithgow) but, as he is doing so, Lithgow's character murmurs, "It's already over...." which is a tip off that he has done in Rita before Dexter could track him down and chop him up for tomorrow's leftovers. All this said, it did NOT help my sleeping mood one bit!

But on to less deadly situations which is my return to work. I surprised myself (and, I think, a few of my co-workers) by giving them hugs when they welcomed me back. I was truly trying to set the tone, that of the "kinder, gentler Cyndia" who could walk in(with some obvious pain and difficulty still) and be immediately....kinder and gentler! I still had a gnawing sense of anxiety in my stomach as I walked to my office, saying hello to others and realizing I had to do this inservice in less than 15 minutes. Right from the beginning, despite my PDA (public displays of affection), I could tell something felt "off" to me. Not surprisingly, I did quite well with my presentation, feeling comfortable with the topic and feeling like I was holding peoples' attention pretty well. But, as soon as the meeting ended, I saw everyone go off into their various "pods", giggling and conversing about their patients, while I collected my papers and really felt a strong sense of isolation. It is fair to say that this isolation was most likely coming from me, not my co-workers, but it still didn't make me feel all that great.

As I went through a number of work duties, a few people stuck their heads in to say hi and welcome back and that was nice....but still I felt "off". The morning went by pretty quickly and I stayed busy, but was always aware of the conversations in the hallway that I had no reference point for because I didn't know who they were talking about (how could I, I hadn't been there for three months) and feeling no strong urge to get up and mingle. By noontime, a huge sense of fatigue came over me that didn't leave until I finally left at 2:00. I made the mistake (hindsight is always 20/20) of being a little too unfiltered, meaning that when people asked me "How is it to be back?" I paused a moment and said, truthfully, "Kind of weird, plus I'm really tired for some reason." Why couldn't I just be Perky Pam and say (a la Tony the Tiger) "Why, it's grrrrrrreat to be here and I feel like a million bucks!" Ah, well.

My supervisor has been put through the mill in my absence and, while I know she is glad I'm back, she kind of kept her distance today which surprised me a bit. I knew she was busy, but I guess I thought I rated a little more fervor than what I got from her. Later, it hit me: she is probably a little pissed that I've been gone these last three months, causing her a lot more work and responsibility and then, when I come back after three months of sleeping in late and daytime TV, I have the nerve to say it's only "kind of OK" to be back and, even worse, that I'm "really tired". I mean, who the f**k do I think I am??

I'm sure things will iron themselves out as I get my feet wet and feel more acclimated to the new environment but still it was unsettling for me. I was determined to not walk back in and be swamped by any negative attitude going on yet I do believe some of it was emanating from within me, not just from those around me. Sometimes it sucks to be so insightful that you truly know when it's "all about you"!