I knew that I would not sleep last night hardly at all and I was right. My body felt tired enough around midnight but my mind was clicking away, worrying a bit about an inservice I was scheduled to give this morning on my first day back at work in three months. I also had no idea what it would feel like to be "back" among everyone I work with, having been out of the loop on the usual inside jokes that you tend to miss out on when you cannot walk without crutches.
I made the mistake of watching the season finale of "Dexter", you know the show with the serial killer who has a "code", meaning he "only" kills people who have it coming! Well, spoiler alert if you are a fan and haven't seen the season 4 finale: Dexter's long suffering, naive but very devoted wife, Rita, ends up murdered in the last 60 seconds of the episode. Dexter has just put down yet another serial killer (played eerily by John Lithgow) but, as he is doing so, Lithgow's character murmurs, "It's already over...." which is a tip off that he has done in Rita before Dexter could track him down and chop him up for tomorrow's leftovers. All this said, it did NOT help my sleeping mood one bit!
But on to less deadly situations which is my return to work. I surprised myself (and, I think, a few of my co-workers) by giving them hugs when they welcomed me back. I was truly trying to set the tone, that of the "kinder, gentler Cyndia" who could walk in(with some obvious pain and difficulty still) and be immediately....kinder and gentler! I still had a gnawing sense of anxiety in my stomach as I walked to my office, saying hello to others and realizing I had to do this inservice in less than 15 minutes. Right from the beginning, despite my PDA (public displays of affection), I could tell something felt "off" to me. Not surprisingly, I did quite well with my presentation, feeling comfortable with the topic and feeling like I was holding peoples' attention pretty well. But, as soon as the meeting ended, I saw everyone go off into their various "pods", giggling and conversing about their patients, while I collected my papers and really felt a strong sense of isolation. It is fair to say that this isolation was most likely coming from me, not my co-workers, but it still didn't make me feel all that great.
As I went through a number of work duties, a few people stuck their heads in to say hi and welcome back and that was nice....but still I felt "off". The morning went by pretty quickly and I stayed busy, but was always aware of the conversations in the hallway that I had no reference point for because I didn't know who they were talking about (how could I, I hadn't been there for three months) and feeling no strong urge to get up and mingle. By noontime, a huge sense of fatigue came over me that didn't leave until I finally left at 2:00. I made the mistake (hindsight is always 20/20) of being a little too unfiltered, meaning that when people asked me "How is it to be back?" I paused a moment and said, truthfully, "Kind of weird, plus I'm really tired for some reason." Why couldn't I just be Perky Pam and say (a la Tony the Tiger) "Why, it's grrrrrrreat to be here and I feel like a million bucks!" Ah, well.
My supervisor has been put through the mill in my absence and, while I know she is glad I'm back, she kind of kept her distance today which surprised me a bit. I knew she was busy, but I guess I thought I rated a little more fervor than what I got from her. Later, it hit me: she is probably a little pissed that I've been gone these last three months, causing her a lot more work and responsibility and then, when I come back after three months of sleeping in late and daytime TV, I have the nerve to say it's only "kind of OK" to be back and, even worse, that I'm "really tired". I mean, who the f**k do I think I am??
I'm sure things will iron themselves out as I get my feet wet and feel more acclimated to the new environment but still it was unsettling for me. I was determined to not walk back in and be swamped by any negative attitude going on yet I do believe some of it was emanating from within me, not just from those around me. Sometimes it sucks to be so insightful that you truly know when it's "all about you"!
Showing posts with label Back to work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Back to work. Show all posts
Monday, December 14, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Free at Last, Free at Last!
Not to sound too much like Martin Luther King, but indeed I do feel "free at last" in terms of getting official clearance (on 12/9/09) to begin driving again and to start back to work on 12/14/09 pretty much full-time.
Yesterday marked three months (that's 90+ days for those of you who need a total) since my surgery, a time when I was told that I would not be able to drive for three months and that, possibly by around this time, I would finally be able to wear a soft shoe, not just a CAM boot any longer. I bought some nice sneakers with velcro straps on them that have been fine for my physical therapy appointments and for wearing when I go out and they are a nice change from the usual stiff-backed boot or splints I was wearing in the very beginning.
Today in physical therapy was tough, but it was even more evident that I'd gone on to a new phase soon after I left. I had a terrible time walking without limping, as my achilles tendon had just been worked pretty well, even though the exercises didn't seem all THAT gruelling when I was doing them. I made the mistake of going to the grocery store right after my appointment and it didn't take long until my PT worker's words rang true: "You're going to start having some pain, some swelling, and it's going to feel like a setback at first because, in phase one, it was just massaging the foot and ankle and doing some partial weight bearing. Now we need to move on to full weight bearing and stretching the very muscle that, for two months, you were told to stay OFF of." So I shuffled rather feebly down a few grocery aisles, got what I needed, then shuffled home where I could plop on the couch and do some light massage on my now sore tendon. Think it's going to be an interesting re-entry back to world of walking again! When I saw my surgeon yesterday, she pretty much signed me off of Workers Compensation though she did agree to have me return to work for six hours a day for the first two weeks, then back up to my usual 7.5 hours, so worker's comp will still pay a small portion of my salary but not for very much longer.
I immediately started to feel my wheels turning about going back to work, where our census is down, staff are not happy, and management may be looking to make more cuts in hours. A co-worker visited me earlier this week who pretty much summed it up as "it sucks there right now" which, again, put me on notice that whatever relaxation I may have gotten these past twelve weeks will be greatly challenged when I step back through the doors of my agency next week. That said, I know I will need to focus on staying within myself and not letting too much stress stick to me. I have been deep in the thick of the toxic work environment several times before in my life and know very steadfastly that I don't want to go back there....ever again! My co-worker shared with me that she had gotten some startling health news recently that was helping her re-evaluate what was important to her/not important and I realized I felt very much the same way. Being "out of the loop" made me terribly anxious at first, and now, conversely, I feel that way about being IN it. It should be interesting to see how much I can remain within my bubble of calm and self-improvement as I re-enter a busy, chaotic workplace.
The most important thing to me now is my continued recovery and progress in walking properly and without pain. I am certainly NOT there yet. I also need to work at getting off those 6-7 pounds I feel I have put on (some of my clothes are definitely tighter) and just having a regular program of exercise that I can tolerate. I have a home Ellyptical machine that I love to use but I don't think I'll be up to that task for awhile. So, I have to find new and different ways to get my heart rate up without taxing my recuperating body. This should, indeed, be quite "interesting" to experience.
Yesterday marked three months (that's 90+ days for those of you who need a total) since my surgery, a time when I was told that I would not be able to drive for three months and that, possibly by around this time, I would finally be able to wear a soft shoe, not just a CAM boot any longer. I bought some nice sneakers with velcro straps on them that have been fine for my physical therapy appointments and for wearing when I go out and they are a nice change from the usual stiff-backed boot or splints I was wearing in the very beginning.
Today in physical therapy was tough, but it was even more evident that I'd gone on to a new phase soon after I left. I had a terrible time walking without limping, as my achilles tendon had just been worked pretty well, even though the exercises didn't seem all THAT gruelling when I was doing them. I made the mistake of going to the grocery store right after my appointment and it didn't take long until my PT worker's words rang true: "You're going to start having some pain, some swelling, and it's going to feel like a setback at first because, in phase one, it was just massaging the foot and ankle and doing some partial weight bearing. Now we need to move on to full weight bearing and stretching the very muscle that, for two months, you were told to stay OFF of." So I shuffled rather feebly down a few grocery aisles, got what I needed, then shuffled home where I could plop on the couch and do some light massage on my now sore tendon. Think it's going to be an interesting re-entry back to world of walking again! When I saw my surgeon yesterday, she pretty much signed me off of Workers Compensation though she did agree to have me return to work for six hours a day for the first two weeks, then back up to my usual 7.5 hours, so worker's comp will still pay a small portion of my salary but not for very much longer.
I immediately started to feel my wheels turning about going back to work, where our census is down, staff are not happy, and management may be looking to make more cuts in hours. A co-worker visited me earlier this week who pretty much summed it up as "it sucks there right now" which, again, put me on notice that whatever relaxation I may have gotten these past twelve weeks will be greatly challenged when I step back through the doors of my agency next week. That said, I know I will need to focus on staying within myself and not letting too much stress stick to me. I have been deep in the thick of the toxic work environment several times before in my life and know very steadfastly that I don't want to go back there....ever again! My co-worker shared with me that she had gotten some startling health news recently that was helping her re-evaluate what was important to her/not important and I realized I felt very much the same way. Being "out of the loop" made me terribly anxious at first, and now, conversely, I feel that way about being IN it. It should be interesting to see how much I can remain within my bubble of calm and self-improvement as I re-enter a busy, chaotic workplace.
The most important thing to me now is my continued recovery and progress in walking properly and without pain. I am certainly NOT there yet. I also need to work at getting off those 6-7 pounds I feel I have put on (some of my clothes are definitely tighter) and just having a regular program of exercise that I can tolerate. I have a home Ellyptical machine that I love to use but I don't think I'll be up to that task for awhile. So, I have to find new and different ways to get my heart rate up without taxing my recuperating body. This should, indeed, be quite "interesting" to experience.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Working from Home...and the Walls are Closin' In!
Something that is not uncommon to hear a newly bereaved spouse or adult child tell me as a bereavement counselor is how they miss the very chaos that once drove them crazy. The constant phone calls, nursing visits, trips to the drug store,etc. All of it is exhausting when you are caring for a loved one and, of course on a different level, the same is true for those of us who do Hospice work. It is not for just anybody and yet, if it is for you, you really do go through a sort of withdrawal when you haven't done it for awhile...like me.
I began a slow return to work via putting in four hours a day on my home computer and telephone to make bereavement calls, sit in on meetings and document a number of things on my work computer through an amazing high tech option called "VPN" - don't ask me what it stands for, but it means you can access your work computer from your home computer and, get this, even print a work document to your work printer from home. Pretty cool stuff.I didn't realize how much I missed my own chaos until I took over four weeks off from it. I love my home, my cats, my computer station, my stack of books (still mostly unread) and even the Netflix videos I have coming in every other day...but it's not the same as having a consistent structure within which people need you, appreciate you calling, and your co-workers let you know unabashedly that they have missed you, your presence, even your warped humor.
I did my four hours rather effortlessly and had a lot of catching up to do on some things that had to be left for when I returned to work. In this past week, I spoke with some really sweet but hurting people who have lost loved ones and felt very relaxed and, here's the keyword, RESTED as I attended to them. Not only have I had this long hiatus, but I was also able to attend to people within the comfort of my own home. At the office, people are constantly popping in, the phone is almost always ringing and I am pretty much at the mercy of the pace of the working environment. Here at home, I have a list of calls to make, notes to enter into medical records, but it's extremely quiet...and, would you believe, it's kind of getting to me!
My partner has been working a lot away from home so I am having a lot more alone time than I am having time with friends and family. It's okay, but it's starting to wear on me a little. Lucy and I went out several nights ago to have a late night hamburger and I just reveled in actually being somewhere that had NOISE! Normally I abhor the sounds of plasma televisions in the background, but it was the night that the Phillies clinched another trip to the World Series, so it was kind of fun to eat some good food and occasionally glimpse over to see the score.
My four hours a day restriction is in effect through November 4th after which I may get the green light to go to five or six. But the reality still is that I can't drive until the three month mark which would be mid-December (unless I get an earlier clearance) so I think it will still be awhile before I grace my office and get back to a normal existence. Still, I'm just glad I have one foot back in the door and can truly appreciate the saying: You don't know what you've got till it's gone. In my situation, it's not "gone", but it sure has been missing in action!
I began a slow return to work via putting in four hours a day on my home computer and telephone to make bereavement calls, sit in on meetings and document a number of things on my work computer through an amazing high tech option called "VPN" - don't ask me what it stands for, but it means you can access your work computer from your home computer and, get this, even print a work document to your work printer from home. Pretty cool stuff.I didn't realize how much I missed my own chaos until I took over four weeks off from it. I love my home, my cats, my computer station, my stack of books (still mostly unread) and even the Netflix videos I have coming in every other day...but it's not the same as having a consistent structure within which people need you, appreciate you calling, and your co-workers let you know unabashedly that they have missed you, your presence, even your warped humor.
I did my four hours rather effortlessly and had a lot of catching up to do on some things that had to be left for when I returned to work. In this past week, I spoke with some really sweet but hurting people who have lost loved ones and felt very relaxed and, here's the keyword, RESTED as I attended to them. Not only have I had this long hiatus, but I was also able to attend to people within the comfort of my own home. At the office, people are constantly popping in, the phone is almost always ringing and I am pretty much at the mercy of the pace of the working environment. Here at home, I have a list of calls to make, notes to enter into medical records, but it's extremely quiet...and, would you believe, it's kind of getting to me!
My partner has been working a lot away from home so I am having a lot more alone time than I am having time with friends and family. It's okay, but it's starting to wear on me a little. Lucy and I went out several nights ago to have a late night hamburger and I just reveled in actually being somewhere that had NOISE! Normally I abhor the sounds of plasma televisions in the background, but it was the night that the Phillies clinched another trip to the World Series, so it was kind of fun to eat some good food and occasionally glimpse over to see the score.
My four hours a day restriction is in effect through November 4th after which I may get the green light to go to five or six. But the reality still is that I can't drive until the three month mark which would be mid-December (unless I get an earlier clearance) so I think it will still be awhile before I grace my office and get back to a normal existence. Still, I'm just glad I have one foot back in the door and can truly appreciate the saying: You don't know what you've got till it's gone. In my situation, it's not "gone", but it sure has been missing in action!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Second Follow-Up with MD and other headlines
I hit the four week mark yesterday, October 14th, in my recovery from my surgery and actually have to confess it went by quicker than I thought. The first two weeks dragged a little because I had little company with me but then my sister visited, friends started dropping by regularly, and another friend from out of state also stayed a few days and made me feel well cared for. Before I knew it, I was actually having to carve out time to NOT be occupied with something or somebody, but I enjoyed it while it lasted.
Yesterday, I saw Dr. Arcand for my second follow-up and there were few surprises. She is quite pleased with my healing wound, no infection noted, nor has there been any pain or tingling like others have reported on their blogs. She had the splint and ace bandages removed and underneath it all was one nasty looking dry, shriveled up foot! I know it just needs some major treatment with Burts Bees lotion (which works wonders on dry skin if you have never tried it!) so I got over my attack of vanity pretty quickly.
She had another splint put on but this one just runs along the back of my calf to just past my toes and is held in place by one layering of ace bandage. This means it's very light, not bulky, and much easier to manage when I'm in bed. The plan is for me to see her again in two weeks at which time she will have me put the CAM boot back on for a trial run. This feels like positive progress to me (as if ANY progress could be negative, right?) so I felt pleased by the visit. She also felt I could take on 4 hours a day of working from home so I will start that on Monday, October 19th. As I crutched my way out of her office to the appointment desk, feeling pretty upbeat, I took a rather embarassing and unexpected semi-tumble but was caught by my partner, Lucy, before I could hit the ground. Lucy definitely seemed more startled than I did! A very nice office worker named Sue promptly got me into a wheelchair and carted me outside, waiting with me for Lucy to pull up the car which scored major points with me. I have encountered some really nice people during this process and Sue was one of them.
Today involved a number of calls between myself and my Human Resources worker who overloaded my brain by verbalizing all the necessary changes that are upcoming due to my going back to 20 hours per week. Of course, my worker's comp check will be duly reduced (and I got a certified letter delivered that drove that point home in black and white), and my sick time still needs to be used to pay for my medical insurance, 403b contribution, etc. I told her very quietly that "I'm really a visual person so could you send this to me in an e-mail??" She said sure, but continued outlining all the numbers and facts and figures while I silently tuned her out, trying to just stayed relaxed while she very intently rattled off all the details. I joked to a friend on the phone a little later, "Even Helen Keller's blood pressure would be spiked after a conversation like that!" Oh well.
All in all, I really can't complain too much about things. I've had a nice, extended rest, and have gotten very cozy with my cats. So much so that now Lucy complains "they like YOU better than they like me". I reasoned with her that she is welcome to tear out the largest muscle in her body, have surgery and SHE can sit with the animals to her heart's content! (She declined to accept this kind offer of mine.) If you can go through anything like this and maintain your sense of humor (I have), you can't help but feel you are coming out ahead!
Yesterday, I saw Dr. Arcand for my second follow-up and there were few surprises. She is quite pleased with my healing wound, no infection noted, nor has there been any pain or tingling like others have reported on their blogs. She had the splint and ace bandages removed and underneath it all was one nasty looking dry, shriveled up foot! I know it just needs some major treatment with Burts Bees lotion (which works wonders on dry skin if you have never tried it!) so I got over my attack of vanity pretty quickly.
She had another splint put on but this one just runs along the back of my calf to just past my toes and is held in place by one layering of ace bandage. This means it's very light, not bulky, and much easier to manage when I'm in bed. The plan is for me to see her again in two weeks at which time she will have me put the CAM boot back on for a trial run. This feels like positive progress to me (as if ANY progress could be negative, right?) so I felt pleased by the visit. She also felt I could take on 4 hours a day of working from home so I will start that on Monday, October 19th. As I crutched my way out of her office to the appointment desk, feeling pretty upbeat, I took a rather embarassing and unexpected semi-tumble but was caught by my partner, Lucy, before I could hit the ground. Lucy definitely seemed more startled than I did! A very nice office worker named Sue promptly got me into a wheelchair and carted me outside, waiting with me for Lucy to pull up the car which scored major points with me. I have encountered some really nice people during this process and Sue was one of them.
Today involved a number of calls between myself and my Human Resources worker who overloaded my brain by verbalizing all the necessary changes that are upcoming due to my going back to 20 hours per week. Of course, my worker's comp check will be duly reduced (and I got a certified letter delivered that drove that point home in black and white), and my sick time still needs to be used to pay for my medical insurance, 403b contribution, etc. I told her very quietly that "I'm really a visual person so could you send this to me in an e-mail??" She said sure, but continued outlining all the numbers and facts and figures while I silently tuned her out, trying to just stayed relaxed while she very intently rattled off all the details. I joked to a friend on the phone a little later, "Even Helen Keller's blood pressure would be spiked after a conversation like that!" Oh well.
All in all, I really can't complain too much about things. I've had a nice, extended rest, and have gotten very cozy with my cats. So much so that now Lucy complains "they like YOU better than they like me". I reasoned with her that she is welcome to tear out the largest muscle in her body, have surgery and SHE can sit with the animals to her heart's content! (She declined to accept this kind offer of mine.) If you can go through anything like this and maintain your sense of humor (I have), you can't help but feel you are coming out ahead!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Time for "Modified Duty"
It's ironic that, when I first heard I would need this surgery and would have to be out of work perhaps 1-2 months and could not drive for three whopping months, I naturally panicked. I could not imagine being away from my job for such a long time, and the pressure on me before I left to set up things for whoever would cover for me was very intensive and all encompassing.
Three weeks later, as I face having a return to "modified duty" probably as soon as next week, I find myself feeling very differently, which surprises me. Contrary to worrying about how I will pull this off, I feel calm in knowing that our "tech guy" will set things up so I can communicate with my co-workers via a mobile connection between my computer and the agency's network, plus I also know I have to work from home. Last week, my doctor noted that the only thing I could do in an unrestricted way was to "sit". Standing is limited to 5 minutes at a time for no more than one hour a day and, of course, driving is off limits until probably December.
It's so quiet here in my home during the day that, faced with a list of calls I have to make and documentation to do for those calls, I can't imagine getting too stressed. Also, since I am in no position to make home visits or see people in the office (because I cannot drive there and I doubt the agency will want to risk the liability of having someone pick me up, drop me off, and have to assist me with the pain-in-the-butt transfers associated with all the stairs to my home), I doubt there will be more work to do than I can handle here. It's just odd to imagine doing my job in what is normally a very busy, hectic environment here in my nice quiet home. I think I may be asked to do four hours a day and will need to see if I can really find that much to do that will take four hours, but it's a wait and see kind of thing. The tech guy has been instructed to call me to set up the computer connection and the rest will just have to be day to day.
For anyone reading this who dreads, as I did, the prospect of putting your life and work on hold for an extended period, I can tell you this: it has many plusses along with the minuses. You truly do get extended rest, whether this means you are napping or simply reading a book with your leg elevated. On the other hand, crutching your way around the house to the bathroom, kitchen and living room is exhausting - I really paid for it yesterday when I went out for a short drive with a friend. I was so incredibly spent just from using my walker and then my crutches to navigate my porch, then my walkway, then down five stairs on my butt (which actually was more doable than I envisioned). I was struggling to stay awake beyond about 8 p.m. and really fell into a deep sleep once I did go to bed. My body is learning the meaning of "everything within limitations" and, every so often, I have tested the limits and felt the results.
So, hmmmm, back to work. That will be interesting to try and do from home, but I figure if I can handle a traumatic fall that led to spraining my left arm and rupturing my right achilles tendon, undergo surgery for the rupture and then have the patience and determination to keep my right leg elevated (AT ALL TIMES) for two weeks....going back to work should be a piece of cake! Hopefully, it's german chocolate :-)
Three weeks later, as I face having a return to "modified duty" probably as soon as next week, I find myself feeling very differently, which surprises me. Contrary to worrying about how I will pull this off, I feel calm in knowing that our "tech guy" will set things up so I can communicate with my co-workers via a mobile connection between my computer and the agency's network, plus I also know I have to work from home. Last week, my doctor noted that the only thing I could do in an unrestricted way was to "sit". Standing is limited to 5 minutes at a time for no more than one hour a day and, of course, driving is off limits until probably December.
It's so quiet here in my home during the day that, faced with a list of calls I have to make and documentation to do for those calls, I can't imagine getting too stressed. Also, since I am in no position to make home visits or see people in the office (because I cannot drive there and I doubt the agency will want to risk the liability of having someone pick me up, drop me off, and have to assist me with the pain-in-the-butt transfers associated with all the stairs to my home), I doubt there will be more work to do than I can handle here. It's just odd to imagine doing my job in what is normally a very busy, hectic environment here in my nice quiet home. I think I may be asked to do four hours a day and will need to see if I can really find that much to do that will take four hours, but it's a wait and see kind of thing. The tech guy has been instructed to call me to set up the computer connection and the rest will just have to be day to day.
For anyone reading this who dreads, as I did, the prospect of putting your life and work on hold for an extended period, I can tell you this: it has many plusses along with the minuses. You truly do get extended rest, whether this means you are napping or simply reading a book with your leg elevated. On the other hand, crutching your way around the house to the bathroom, kitchen and living room is exhausting - I really paid for it yesterday when I went out for a short drive with a friend. I was so incredibly spent just from using my walker and then my crutches to navigate my porch, then my walkway, then down five stairs on my butt (which actually was more doable than I envisioned). I was struggling to stay awake beyond about 8 p.m. and really fell into a deep sleep once I did go to bed. My body is learning the meaning of "everything within limitations" and, every so often, I have tested the limits and felt the results.
So, hmmmm, back to work. That will be interesting to try and do from home, but I figure if I can handle a traumatic fall that led to spraining my left arm and rupturing my right achilles tendon, undergo surgery for the rupture and then have the patience and determination to keep my right leg elevated (AT ALL TIMES) for two weeks....going back to work should be a piece of cake! Hopefully, it's german chocolate :-)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
